KabutoSensei's Guide to Being a Ninja
by JouninSanada
Summary: Kabuto thinks he can teach people how to be a ninja. Sasuke thinks he full of it. And Orochimaru doesn't care as long as he gets a cheaply written book out of it. HUMOR. No pairings. Take nothing seriously.


_A/N: This is purely for humor._

**Kabuto-Sensei's Guide to Being a Ninja**  
_ntroductions_

Hello all potential ninjas. I am Yakushi Kabuto and I'm here against my will to teach you the ways of the shinobi. Because apparently we're not making enough money in this dump of a village Orochimaru-sama has set up, he ordered me to make some quick cheap cash by publishing a book.

He said write a book dumb ass, not make a voice recording.

Ah, Sasuke, I'll have this scripted later.

Likely story.

Stop talking, you adolescent heathen. I'm trying to get serious here.

You're doing an excavation in a dead body and you want me to believe you're being serious?

It's called multitasking.

It's called "you're full of shit, Kabuto"…… OW. God damn you, why did you hit me?!

Because you won't shut that stupid hole in your face. You know, if I could manage to get Orochimaru-sama to let me drug you and experiment on you… I would sew your lips closed forever.

Then how would I eat, smart ass?

You wouldn't. You'd starve to death. Then I would manipulate your dead body into doing my victory dance for me. … Don't step away from me. I can't do it anyway because of Orochimaru-sama… What? I'm not that frightening, you chicken shit.

Have you looked in a mirror? There's this thing that you have going on about you and you can see it in your face and expression, especially when you talk weird like that. You know what they call this thing you have? INSANITY.

I'm not insane…Orochimaru-sama is insane.

What was that, Kabuto?

Oh, hello Orochimaru-sama. I was just telling Sasuke-kun that you're the insane one here, not me.

Good boy. How is that book coming?

It's going well. I'll just be sure to tag the word "Naruto" somewhere on the cover so more people will buy it.

Just don't take too long.

I won't Orochimaru-sama! Good night Orochimaru-sama!

Ass kisser……..OW! Goddamn you! Stop hitting me!

Stop making me hit you, Sasuke. You're making me waste the tape in this recorder.

You're the one who was ignorant enough to not turn the recorder off!

Do you want to be the next body on this table, Uchiha? Because I promise you. I can put you on this table, kill you, rearrange your insides, change your sex, give you an extra thumb and bring you back to life as if nothing ever happened to you. Except a few new attachments here and there.

…God…you're not insane, you're just a fucking lunatic!

I thought they go hand in hand?

Well…you're something!

That's right…walk away. …No! I wasn't kidding. I wasn't mocking you! Don't come back! I'm happy when you're not here.

God, you sound pathetic.

Says the emo master himself…

Takes one to know one.

I'm not emo. I'm a lunatic, remember?

Gah, I'm going back to my room.

Goodbye Sasuke-kun. Ahem, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. I'm here to teach you how to be a ninja. As much as that depresses me to no end….the last thing we need is more twelve year olds thinking they can be ninjas by throwing around paper stars and making doofy looking hand signs.

Doofy?

I thought you were leaving?

I decided to come back and harass you a little more. I'm kinda bored.

I'm going to hex you when I figure out how. Damn it. AHEM. Anyway…That closes up introductions….Man this is going to need some serious editing.

That's your own fault.

I thought I told you to stop talking?

You think a lot. You fail to be correct a lot too.

You will fail at living in a minute.

Orochimaru!! Your bitch is threatening me!

Oh, you pathetic…

Kabuto.

Yes Orochimaru-sama?

I don't care what you do. Just don't kill him.

You got it Orochimaru-sama!

…W..wait!

Don't worry Sasuke, I'll turn the recorder off while I'm stuffing you into a drop box. I hear Sound has a really fantastic delivery service to Konoha.

You horrible son of a –

**-End Record Session 1-**


End file.
